I have retreated from the world like a bruised anemone, and it was the right choice. I’ve spent most of this week off social media, attempting to re-wrap the insulation over my nerves. Still carrying a surfeit of the world’s pain, still unable to work at my usual pace, still curled into a tight ball waiting for the agony to stop.
But there are good things. Coffee beans fresh-ground this morning. Snuggles from Boxnoggin, who doesn’t care why I’m in a certain mood if it means he gets cuddles and chest-skritches, not to mention long rambling walkies. Rain yesterday, so the garden is happy and no plant is making that papery little sound of distress. My dreams have become simply unnerving instead of flat-out nightmares.
The last bit is the most welcome. I don’t precisely wish for the return of insomnia–I don’t think I’ll ever wish for that–but part of why I used to stay up was to avoid bad dreams, and I’m not fond of the resurgence. Still, better ill dreams than bad wakings, and things are relatively quiet here.
I’m almost ready to start looking for a permanent box to stope Bailey’s cremains in. The grief-button is still huge, sharp, and terrible, though the ball is careening inside the box and not hitting it constantly. (That analogy is one of the best ever created for simplicity and durability, my gods.) Almost ready…just not quite.
So. A few more mouthfuls of coffee, then it will be time to get Boxoggin ready for walkies, which will mean much prancing and celebrating. He seems adjusted to only-dog status very well indeed, not looking for a new companion the way Bailey was after Max went. Maybe we’ll be a one-dog household for a while.
Lately the feeling around the ol’ Chez is of…suspension. Things just hanging in midair. I am comforting myself with the thought that they’ve fired up the Large Hadron Collider again so maybe we’ll get a slightly less stupid timeline for a while. Wouldn’t it be a helluva story if the collider was a sort of cosmic soft reset?
I’m not writing that one; you lot can have it for free.
I’ve also been watching The Wire lately. (Better late than never, right?) It’s a big change for me to have enough time and attention to concentrate on a series rather than clips, but I’m mostly through the first season and so far it’s held me. The writing is interesting and deliberate ‘tells’ are structured all through the first few episodes that will have to pay off later, and I think they actually might. I can see the machinery moving while the characters are onscreen; there’s very little slippage or wastage. Which is an achievement, even in copaganda.
Oh, and it’s also subscription day today, and there’s the July sale post, which will be updated around the 15th. So some work is happening, just not at the pace and depth I am accustomed to. I need my nerves re-insulated and some reasonable sleep before I can get back to it, and it might be a case of having to let the news do what it’s going to do without me. It feels like a dereliction of duty though I know I won’t be any good to anyone if I burn out and lose my means of making a living.
So here I am, suspended in midair. Hoping for a relatively easy landing, but those are few and far between lately. I suppose I’ll just focus on getting through Thursday (never did quite have the hang of these) and making sure I have a towel handy.
See you tomorrow, beloveds.