Anniversary, Nadir


A year ago today, the pandemic was just beginning its second orbit around the sun and my children and I were watching the violent coup attempt in the US Capitol, sickened to the core.

As of today, a few of the low-level insurrectionists have received slaps on the wrist. The ringleaders are still at large, still attempting to destroy our democracy, still profiting from their lies and grifting, still blathering to their adoring fans on Faux News subsidized by cable utility fees, and the pandemic? Still going strong.

The coup attempt is still ongoing, too. The midterms are approaching. Voter suppression laws have been forced through in many states. If they are successful, 2024 could reinstall the Fanta Fuhrer–or something worse–and a nightmare of violent racist authoritarianism will grip the throat of America even more tightly.

The militantly and deliberately umasked and unvaccinated are still allowed to continue risking the rest of us, and the government we voted in with such effort refuses to attempt more than below the barest of minimums to help or to hold the racist, disease-spreading bigots and their greedy, lying leaders accountable.

I wrote a whole-ass book about this in 2015. (Still mad I took out the plague in the first draft of Afterwar because I thought it might be “too much.”) I thought surely it would make some kind of a dent, have some kind of effect.

I was wrong. Very few listened. Nobody cared.

Better minds than mine, much better storytellers than me, all tried as well. It made little to no difference, because…well, here we are.

A year ago I still had some hope. Now…I don’t know. I’m so tired. So, so tired.

The successive retraumatizations hurt more with each hit. I am honestly questioning whether it’s worth trying anymore. What little hope I had is gone, and its dregs are simply bitter endurance.

I keep going because I have no choice. People (and the dogs) are depending on me. But today, my beloveds, I am so tired, so discouraged. I am questioning the use of hanging on more and more lately.

I put a brave face on it, certainly. But I don’t know what to say right now. I already tried and was ignored for years. I suppose I’m at the nadir of “Why bother?”

About the best I can hope for is that today passes without incident. But that will leave us still in the lurch. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow, maybe not.

I don’t know. That’s all I can say.

I don’t know.