Caught In the Act

Ohai there, Mum. What are you doing here?

What you’re seeing, my beloved gentlehobbits of the jury, is a pair of criminals caught in the act.

The victim, their intestines spread over the carpet in front of the Cookbook and Apocrypha sections, was a very nice chibi-Dracula pillow. It was soft, it was fuzzy, it was comforting to hug.

Apparently this could not be borne.

Now, the evidence is entirely circumstantial1, but we believe the deceptively innocent-looking delinquent on the right (that would be Miss B) brought said victim down from atop the piano, and then…simply allowed nature to take its course.2 The malefactor on the left (Boxnoggin) was apparently offended by something soft and fuzzy possessing stuffing guts inside its skin instead of outside, and sought to remedy that situation in the most direct way possible.

As I believe you can see from this photograph, gentlehobbits of the jury, there is absolutely zero repentance even when caught in flagrante delicto. In fact, the offender on the left seems to be almost challenging the photographer with a hearty “It looked at me funny, I swear!”, while the one on the right, certain her part in the misdeeds will not be punished or even suspected, is wearing what my grandfather often referred to as a “damn ol’ shit-eatin’ grin.”

Now, the defense will tell you that the pillow was asking for it, and the defense will further state that the arresting officer (yours truly) may indeed have been laughing too hard to administer a proper scolding.3 The defense may be right, gentlehobbits of the jury, and in any case both culprits entirely forgot about the entire affair five seconds after cleanup and it would be wrong to punish them for an act they do not even remember committing in the heat of passion.

But dammit, I’m gonna miss that pillow.

I rest my case, gentlehobbits of the jury, and wish you a pleasant weekend.

  1. The pig has refused to testify and indeed requested witness protection.
  2. As she has a habit of doing, as evidenced by the Great Christmas Ham Debacle. But that’s a prior bad act and inadmissible.
  3. In my defense, I was cooking dinner while this went down.