Sleepless Peace

Tornado I think I’ve found the plugin that was causing the site problems, and unceremoniously tossed it out. So, hooray for that. *stares into distance* I only had to get up at 3am to do it.

Sleep has never really been my friend. When I was little, sleep was when the monsters came, when I was helpless. It was pretty much only safe during daylight, when I was alone somewhere and could reasonably expect to be alone for a while. Later, I tended to hold onto consciousness with teeth and claws, roaming anywhere I could at night thinking of what to do, what to do. Nowadays, the insomnia doesn’t plague me nearly as much as it used to. About once a month when my hormones shift (I can taste them, it’s a thin layer of how marigolds smell on the very back of my palate) I wake up around 3am, and just don’t go back to sleep. Tracking that pattern and figuring out it’s hormonal was interesting, in a “wow I’m not crazy, there’s a reason for this” way.

This morning, laying awake and thinking about things, I realized that for the first time, I was up at 3am and actually feeling calm. The raging what-if worries weren’t showing up. You know the type–the tiny weird worries that somehow swell and shapeshift, assuming a significance daylight would rob them of. The things that can make you run in circles barking, depriving you of both rest and good sense, without any of the mild fun of alcohol.

Instead, this morning, I felt…fine. The worries tried to show up, but I had an answer for each one of them, when I bothered thinking about them at all. Years worth of work culminating in a single morning, snuggled in my bed and not fretting myself into bloody rawness. Just listening to the wind and the rain on the roof.

I found myself wondering if that was what “normal” felt like. Who I’d be if “calm” was my default setting when I was up in the middle of the night for some reason. I finally decided it didn’t matter, it was enough that it had happened, and I could just relax and enjoy it.

I didn’t get back to sleep, but I rested, and it felt pretty damn good. Sometimes the changes and the work are so incremental you don’t notice how much you’ve changed. Something makes you look up, and you realize that while you’ve been plodding on, you somehow went right over the top of the mountain and are now on the downhill slope.

It’s a nice feeling.

Looking out my office window right now, the sun’s come out after a long rainy weekend. The cedars are tossing their branches, and everything is littered with fallen branches. Mother Nature took a hard sweep through the trees, trimming everything bent or broken, preparing for winter.

And I am, strangely, finally, at peace.

  • I am happy for you. It seems to have been a long fought battle.

  • Amber Davy

    I like that feeling of “right now everything’s ok.” Medicine for the soul. Way to go Miss Saintcrow.

  • jjmcgaffey

    Glad to hear it. Hang on to that memory – you may need it another night. The knowledge that’s it’s ok and you’re all right is a valuable thing to ow perv however fleeting – and if you can keep the moments in mind, they tend to grow into longer times.