Feb 072012
 

You guys. Let me tell you what my brain is like.

I dreamed I was an intern in a museum. In my dream it was called “the Metropolitan” but I am very sure, having visited the Met once, that it was nothing like this shambling pile of secret passages and crammed-together dusty antiques. (Well, at least, not the parts I visited.) Anyway, that wasn’t the important thing. The important thing was the chili.

You see, there was a mummy-zombie thing roaming the back halls. The top front third of his head was gone and his teeth were stumps; there was just a hole and the hindbrain left, plus the ruined caverns of his sinuses. Which probably explained why he was shambling around with his hand-things in front of him, spindly fingers waving. He could smell the chili, but he couldn’t find it.

You see, it was the interns’ (I was one of a crew of six) job to find the mummy and feed him the chili so he would stop roaming, so he would settle down and wouldn’t upset the patrons with his fleshless self. The trouble was, we were new interns, and nobody had bothered to tell us. So we had to figure it out, which we did, but somehow the security guys were new too and hadn’t gotten the memo. So we had to save the poor mummy from the rent-a-cops in order to feed him his chili so he would quiet down. The problem was, we had to catch him first.

So I woke up, with a cat snoring in my ear and a dog snoring near my feet, and I thought it was the mummy. There was this moist breathing on my ear, and all I could think was, where’s the damn chili? Followed by, dammit, I can’t make this a book, there’s not enough tension structurally to build it. Maybe a short?

So, yeah. Here. Go read Chuck Wendig on why writers are bugfuck nuts. I’ll, um, just be locked up in my house. Alone.

Looking for the chili to feed to the museum mummy.

Yeah.

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Jul 182011
 

So I had an odd weekend. Well, I take that back. I had an odd Saturday night; the rest of the weekend was pretty ho-hum.

I helped box the leftovers from a library sale for Cover to Cover Saturday afternoon, then headed home. As I drove past the liquor store near my house I saw the first intimation that tonight was going to be One Of Those Nights. There was a line.

Out the door.

Of the liquor store.

Now, this sometimes happens at New Year’s, or the Fourth of July. Or pretty much any time there’s a holiday and the locals need sedation or lowered inhibitions. See, down in Portland they’re pretty classy when they drink. (Well, mostly.) Out here in semi-rural Vantucky, we’re more like, hmm, how do I put it? Well, we’re kind of like Portland’s trashy older sister. The one with the jeggings, blue eyeshadow, and the perpetual can of Coors. Normally I like that about this part of town–there’s not a lot of pretension.

Sometimes, though, it gets weird.

So I got home, intending to lock my doors, pull the shades, and just let the neighborhood stew in its own inebriation. As a matter of fact, I was sitting at my desk, looking out my writing window onto the street, fooling around a little bit on Twitter, when…look, I’ll just post the tweets, okay?

When the liquor store has a line out the door, you know it’s time to go home and lock your doors. #holdme

Plus: naked man in wheelchair rolling down my street. When did this become a college town? #littleconfused

I just…I did NOT need to see that. *sigh*

So there I was, about to pull the shades in the living room even though it was still sunny. And then.

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Apr 282011
 

A reminder: the winners for the Defiance contest are posted here. I have not heard from all of the winners yet! Please pipe up by Friday at midnight PST.

Facing a bright, beautiful, sunny day with a low-grade fever makes the absurdity of everyday life painfully, hilariously obvious. I’m not sure when I’ve been this amused and amazed. I mean, normally I’m in a state of amused amazement anyway–you could say, along with sarcasm, that it’s my natural default. But today just seems designed to remind me that the world is far weirder than anything I could ever dream up, and I’m just along for the ride.

Things I have seen this morning:

* Several couples out walking. The absurdity: invariably, one-half of these couples has a cellphone firmly clasped to his or her ear. A bright sunny day, you’re out walking with someone, and yet the only thing you can do is yap on your phone? Added bonus: 90% of those on the cells are conversing loud enough to be heard across the street.

* A truck loaded with scrap metal slowly cruising the neighborhood, windows down, a cigar-chomping man with a red bandanna around his head singing along at top volume to ranchero music. This would have been okay if he hadn’t been singing rousing round after round of “Row Row Row Your Boat” in merry defiance of his blasting radio.

* A trail of Almond Joy wrappers along my usual route, as if a suburban Hansel and Gretel had pillaged the witch’s house and decided to go a-wandering.

* A fierce battle among six crows for an empty McFlurry cup. Screeching, cawing, wing buffets, it was incredible. We didn’t get to see who won.

* A ragged man weaving down the middle of the (deserted, residential) street, carrying on a (VERY LOUD) conversation with the surrounding air about red cockroaches. Miss B. eyed him with much suspicion. I reached for my cell phone–he looked like he was having a rough time of it. I figured the least I could do was call someone to help restrain him from wandering out into traffic. I didn’t have time. The man suddenly stopped, tore his shirt off, and bolted. Miss B. looked like she wanted to HEEEEERD him, and by the time I had her convinced it wasn’t a good idea because I wasn’t going to run and after all, there was the little matter of a leash attached to my wrist that I was not going to let go of, he had disappeared. The shirt was still lying sodden in the middle of the road when we returned from our walk.

* A squirrel interrupted in the act of apparently trying to make sweet sweet love to a sad, abandoned, punctured football. Despite Miss B.’s usual quivering glee at the idea of even getting close enough to one of Neo’s furry brethren to heeeeeerd it, she just looked at this particular amorous rodent and cocked her head, then looked at me. What, um, should we do about this?, she seemed to say.

“Just…oh, God. Just leave him to it, I guess.” I twitched the leash and we kept going. However, we must have broken the mood, for the lonely squirrel beat a hasty retreat to the shelter of a dead tree.

I don’t even know.

Anyway, that was the morning’s walk. (I could go on and on, but you wouldn’t believe some of the other stuff.) I would blame most of the absurdity on the low-grade fever and exhaustion, but every day is a new cavalcade of weird here in our humble neighborhood. I can’t tell if it’s because I live here, or just because people are really that strange, and now that it’s spring they can just let their freak flags fly.

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Feb 012011
 

Things I’ve said to myself this morning:

“Self, going out into the freezing wind with wet hair was a Bad Idea.”

“The last two miles are easiest. Keep running. *wheeze*” (They’re not easiest, they’re just there and I might as well do them once I’ve done the other five.)

“Oh, look. Another broken tea mug.” (No, I did not break it because it sassed me. I just put it down wrong. And it fell, and I thought of catching it on my foot, but that sent it careening…oh, hell, you don’t want to know the rest.)

“I probably shouldn’t have told that kid to watch her tone, but dammit, she deserved it.” (The bus stop is sometimes a madhouse in the mornings.)

“OW! Well, now we know THAT hurts.” (Said a couple times, actually–a few shocks of static electricity since the wind’s up and it’s dry, a stubbed toe, a banged-up knee, and fingers pinched in a drawer.)

“Driving in downtown Portland on a Tuesday won’t be that bad, right?” (The store out in the burbs doesn’t have what I want. *girds loins* Nos morituri, and all that…)

“Self, you just had to pick the one historical period you don’t know enough about. Welcome to research hell.” (I seriously need to get my Victoriana on.)

“Why does Indian food make me smell like buttered toast the next day?” (WEIRD, right?)

“You know, if I wasn’t walking in the middle of the road, they probably wouldn’t have tried to run me over.” (…Yeah. I was thinking about gaslamps.)

“Eh, why not. It can’t hurt.” (Famous last words.)

“Don’t you look at me like that. I have the opposable thumbs!” (Okay, so this was said to a squirrel who gave me a filthy look as I surprised her in my front yard. What she was doing with that stick I have no idea. Anyway. Also said to squirrels this morning: “Goddamn peeping Toms!” Look, they were trying to peer into my window! I CANNOT MAKE THIS SH!T UP.)

“Five more minutes…” (When my alarm went off this morning. You all know how THAT goes.)

“You know today is going to be one of those days where it’s fun to be you but nobody else will get it, right?” (Staring in mirror as I put my Kuan Yin earrings on, to remind myself to be gentle.)

Yeah.

Have fun out there, dear Reader. And stay warm. The wind is cold, and it tends to drive people a little crazy–what, me? What are you talking about? I’m sane.

Well, reasonably sane. Maybe. I guess. For a certain value of “sane.”

Over and out.

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Oct 112010
 

Can’t talk. Busy with apocalypse. Tune in tomorrow (at least, I hope) for the next installment of the Saga of Squirrel!Neo, in which we learn that squirrels are crack shots with teensy pinecones. And where Mercutio!Jay saves me from myself like a true feathered gentleman. Also, the appearance of Romeo!Jay.

Back later…

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Jun 112010
 

Crossposted to the Deadline Dames, where there are giveaways, fun, and other writing advice. It’s a party over there!

“I don’t know where Danny Valentine came from,” I told my writing partner morosely, staring at my water. “She’s just so…damaged.”

The Selkie raised one eyebrow. “You don’t? A person that driven, locked in that tiny little box and going nuts? You’ve got no idea? Really?”

Well, when she put it like that, I had to concede she had a point. But still. I am not my characters.

I realize protestations of sanity coming from someone who spins lies for a living and talks to imaginary people while crouching over a computer keyboard may be a tad unbelievable. Nonetheless, I insist. I’m wound a little tight and I’m weird, but I don’t confuse myself with my characters.

I don’t know where characters come from, really. Sometimes they just start talking and I shrug and take dictation. Sometimes I see them on the movie screen in my head, and the fun of the game is figuring out who they are, what they want, and what happens to them. Sometimes I get an idea–wouldn’t it be really cool IF… Basically I take character much the way I take the stories they’re a part of–as a gift, spun into whole cloth by the Fates in my subconscious and handed up through a chute that only opens when I’m sitting down and ready to receive.

I had lunch with a young writer today, K.B. She’s one of the bravest young women I know, and is practicing her writing. We got to talking about characters, so I’m going to tell you what I told her, with (possibly) a few additions.

* Don’t confuse yourself with your characters. Sometimes, if you’re a genius, you can pull off an authorial insertion and make it work. You can even make it a classic. But don’t bet on being a genius and producing a classic. You have more chance of winning the lottery or having an airplane part fall out of the sky and onto your head.

Treat characters like you would an extreme sport–with appropriate caution and care for your own safety. Don’t get roped into believing they’re you. This is a tough one, because so much of good writing (at least, the way I practice, whether it turns out good or not is another question) is kind of like method acting. It requires getting inside your character’s skin. This is part of the Mystery of the Mask, but try very hard to remember that the mask is not YOU.

* You’re in charge. Ilona Andrews mentioned this at the Night of Pwnage At Powell’s, and it’s a good point. You’re writing the story, you’re in charge. Moaning that a character isn’t obeying, or is being recalcitrant, is often a way of Avoiding The Damn Work. Or it’s a sign that one isn’t heading in the right direction and needs to let go of some cherished notions about the work. If a character isn’t cooperating, see if you’re resisting the way the story wants to go.

* Hurt them. A lot. A lot of writers are downright afraid to hurt their characters. This is, I think, partly a function of identifying with them and partly a function of just being a Reasonably Well-Adjusted Person, or at least one with protective social coloration. Try to overcome this fear, because:

* No risk, no reward. Without the heart-in-mouth risk, there is no reward when a character surmounts an obstacle. If it comes too easily, a reader could care less. The characters we cheer for are the ones who run the most risk. Conversely, the villains who risk everything get our grudging admiration. Stack the deck. Throw a curveball. Make it an uncertain thing.

One of the nicest compliments my friend Monk ever paid me about my writing was that he didn’t know who was going to survive. “Like the end of the Valentine series,” he said. “Here’s this character who’s now half-demon, she’s now got the power and the Big Powerful Weapon, and if this was a regular fantasy she’d vanquish the evil. But with you writing it, there’s this sense that it might not be enough.” (Here he paused, the spoke wryly and with great affection.) “I hate you for that. I didn’t know if she’d pull through.” Which leads me to the next point.

* There’s always a cost. If your character has a magical power, a magical weapon, or even just an ordinary human talent, there MUST be a cost involved in its use. A magical system is more easily believable if the energy comes from somewhere. If it’s going to save the hero’s ass, there needs to be a cost paid for that saving. Otherwise it’s just a useless gimmick, and one that will weigh down your writing besides. Always, always consider what the cost of every character’s ability/gift is.

* Make the bruises count. If your character gets into a fight and the next morning they don’t feel like groaning when they haul themselves out of bed, I’m not going to believe you. Part of hurting your characters is taking into account the lingering of pain while things heal. If your character has superhuman healing, that’s a gift and (say it with me) there must be a cost. Make me believe it, or I’m not going to care. Bruises, pulled muscles, emotional and mental trauma, take time to heal. This will add a layer of risk and complexity to your story. Cheap? Sure. Effective? Of course, or I wouldn’t advocate it.

* Think about your villains. Don’t make them cardboard. A good hero deserves a good villain–and a good villain needs to have depth, motivation, and reasons for why s/he does what s/he does. The best villains are the ones we can understand and live vicariously a little bit through, the ones who have reasons we can understand. Ask yourself what every character’s cup of water is. Then use that information to make things difficult for them.

* Last but not least, feel compassion for these people. Yes, I know I told you to hurt them. That still applies. But if you don’t suffer for your heroes and your villains, you have no chance to make me believe I should. It’s a fine line to walk, between the need to make it risky and the need to have empathy so you can make a reader care about these people enough to keep reading.

You do not have to like your characters. I think I can count the characters I’ve created that I actually like on one hand and have fingers left over. But I definitely empathize with them. I aim to understand why they do the things they do, and my job–the hat trick, so to speak–is to clearly convey that understanding to the reader. (This is, incidentally, where an editor is sometimes most helpful. That’s another blog post.) The understanding does not have to call forth a specific emotional reaction, like love or hate. It just has to call forth any emotional reaction. If you get any emotion at all from a reader, you can consider your job at least decently done.

For example, I still get hate mail from people who get to the ending of Working For The Devil and feel a shock of loss and grief. “How could you?” one woman wrote me. “How could you do that to Dante?” Which meant I’d done my job. Incidentally, if I hadn’t ended WFTD that way, it would have been only a one-book deal. The rest of the series was predicated on what happened at the end of that book, something I was very clear about all the way through.

* Oh, wait. One more thing. Have fun. I rather like Stephen Brust’s famous line, the one he recommends tacking up over your computer, or wherever you can see it while you work:

And now, I’m going to tell you something REALLY cool.

Enjoy this. If you’re having a ball, the rest of it will be easier, and chances are good the Reader will have a ball too. Not only that, but when you’re snickering with evil glee, it’s a lot easier to hurt your characters in interesting, diabolical, and downright nasty ways.

In fact, you could say that’s the most fun of all. Which, I suppose, makes me a not very nice person, even if I can protest at being sane and reasonably well-adjusted.

Oh well. Nobody’s perfect.

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