Harumph.
I feel like a cranky old granny today. “All you kids get off my lawn!” As I rattle my cane and glare balefully.
The weekend was busy. Fortunately, a huge personal disappointment isn’t throwing me into the slough of despond; I think I’ve reached the point where I’m actively expecting to be treated well. And when that doesn’t happen, I’m cutting my losses sooner. I used to think that if you just loved someone hard enough, everything else would work out. Now I’m slowly learning that loving someone does not have to mean sacrificing every last bit of myself only to have them disdain me in the end for being too easy.
So. This weekend there was much glee, because the couch arrived. I didn’t get a couch before now because, well, there was a lot of cleaning-up I had to do after people and seriously, I did not have time to even THINK of cleaning a couch. Now that the living space has calmed down immensely and I’m picking up after just two reasonable children instead of several over-18 children (oh, don’t even get me started on man-boys!) I felt like I could have something nice. So…I got something nice. And I spent a half-hour with a ratchet putting the sofa arms on.
It was the first time in my life I had actually used a ratchet. I felt quite, quite manly.
Yesterday was a gorgeous day, but I didn’t mow the lawn. I probably should have, but it was my friend Monk’s birthday. So there was a new recipe tried for dinner, much laughing and talking, and a generally great time was had by all. Plus, Monk got to crash on the new sofa instead of the laundry pile or the air mattress I used to drag out for him to sleep on.
Sometimes it is just the little things.
The most helpful part of the weekend was reading Jennifer Crusie’s most awesome essay on protecting the work. I realized that I’ve let a lot of Life Stuff impinge on my working in the last six months. Granted, they’re the sort of life stressors, both positive and negative, that can really throw anyone for a loop. But now it’s time to buckle down and really remind myself that people who don’t value me are people I can do without, and people I don’t need to drain myself to take care of.
This is a huge realization for me. I’ve spent a lot of my life taking care of people, and it’s liberating to narrow the field to the people who I WANT to take care of instead of anyone in perceived pain I wander across. Healthier? Yes. Sometimes exhausting because I feel the pull of old bad habits? Oh, hell yes.
Which is why I think I might print out Ms. Crusie’s excellent essay and read it every day for a while. If I have to be a cranky old woman to protect my work…
…well then, I guess I’ll have to buy a cane.
See you tomorrow, dear Readers.
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Tags: about me, slight pause for station identification, what we know is true
April 19th, 2010 at 12:44 pm
I’ll have to buy a cane
make it a spiffy sword cane, very practical that way.
April 19th, 2010 at 1:55 pm
“people who don’t value me are people I can do without” – Thanks for reminding me of that.
April 19th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
A good, practical, useful, SHARP swordcane…
April 19th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Congratulations on the couch! I know, with a blog filled to the brim with good advice, I should give ‘deeper’ thoughts, but really, only someone who’s never lived without a couch can’t realize how big of a deal it is to have one.
And I’m afraid I’m still a bit naive as far as love is concerned. I don’t think it’s possible to love too much – not if you’re loving the right way. Too much romantic love? Definitely. Too much I love you and want the best for you love? I don’t know if it’s possible.
Although, you’re absolutely right – there is a point where you have to stop being taken advantage of. And if the person you love is disdainful or doesn’t value you… well, it’s best to break that bond. So, congratulations on avoiding major depression, and congratulations on being secure and strong enough to still have a good time.
April 19th, 2010 at 5:54 pm
“loving someone does not have to mean sacrificing every last bit of myself only to have them disdain me in the end for being too easy” – - Sometimes you say the very thing that is rattling around in my head…like you did today. I am at exactly this point in my marriage…sacrificing myself for someone who isn’t going to appreciate it in the end. UGH!
April 20th, 2010 at 8:29 am
I wanted to comment on what you said about love. I used to feel the same way until I realized that I deserve respect, not just because I’m a good person but because I’m a person. That loving someone does not mean sacrificing your respect for yourself. And if someone says they love you then they should show it too, the actions must reflect the words. My mom taught me many lessons (she’s a wise woman) but one in particular works here, “if they are negative in your life, then they are not in your life.” I’m sorry that it hurt you to learn that but I’m glad you did.
P.S. yay to the new couch!!
April 20th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Curious… you say you felt manly… I’d have said competent. Or is that my silent association?
And also, along the lines of protecting the work, it’s good to include that reasons for doing so are not just about ‘because this is how I get paid,’ but because you are important, and what you want to do is important.
I’ve seen this with a friend of mine who writes (journalism rather than fiction). Her family was (not openly spoken, but shown in the dynamics and practicalities – don’t disturb dad in his study, but mom’s free all the time – even if she wasn’t!) of the mindset that a woman’s work is never done. She carried that forward into her own marriage and nigh on drove herself into a nervous breakdown with it even after her divorce. Even though she was the breadwinnner, and the money was important, she kept carving her work time and family time out of any time to just be her. She couldn’t seem to take herself and her needs seriously in her head, just her responsibilities. I’m sure you don’t do that, but the way you put it…. sounded familiar.
April 22nd, 2010 at 12:03 am
[...] Lilith Saintcrow linked to a post from Jennifer Crusie that’s a must-read for authors trying to make time for their writing – Taking Out the Garbage: How To Protect Your Work and Get Your Life. [...]