Lilith Saintcrow

I’ve been shamefully neglecting blogging lately. Partly because the only things I’m thinking about, really, are personal things I’m not sharing with the world. It might not seem like it, but I am a very private person. Here, you get to see some parts of me.

But not all.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling a bit down, but then I got on the treadmill. Exercise helps. I did the shovelgloving. That helped too. And by degrees I arrived at a place where I’m feeling OK. Really OK, not just “make do with less pain than usual.” The feeling might not last–if there’s anything I’ve learned in the past couple months it’s that the waves can pour over you at a moment’s notice. (That’s why they call them feelings, I guess.) But it’s good while it’s here, and I can focus on extending it and knowing it will return. I’m struggling free of that place I retreated to, the safe place where I had to curl up and lick my wounds for a while. Pretty soon I’ll dry my wings off…but not yet. Right now I’ve just got part of me free, and I’m breathing some good air.

Part of the good feeling is making decisions about things to cut out of my life I am a curious mixture of contradictory things, and “doormat for the people I love” is one of them. I can’t afford to be a doormat anymore, love or no love. It’s too damaging. It sucks up all one’s time and energy and leaves nothing but an empty shell–especially if you love someone who takes without giving.

I’m worth more than that.

Still, I’m having to be careful what kind of music I listen to. Love songs still hurt. I’m sticking with instrumentals, breakup songs (the cheerier the better, but still used with caution) and flamenco. The love-song rule doesn’t count if they’re singing in a language I don’t understand very well, I can just listen to the phonemes.

Anyway, enough of that. I’m only checking into NaNo every few days, so my wordcount jumps are not at all how I’m getting the daily wordcount done. My brain is still dry and empty from finishing the zero draft of Heaven’s Spite. (It’s not pretty, but it’s done.) I’ve got revisions coming up, a short story to write, and cover blurbage to organize. Along with yoga to squeeze in today between all the errands.

No rest for the wicked. Really, I suspect the wicked prefer it that way. I know I certainly do.

Over and out.

Related posts:

1. Getting Better
2. How Often Do I Get This Excited?
3. Touchup and Catch up

Tags: slight pause for station identification, what we know is true

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 11:41 am and is filed under Deep Thoughts, Health, Real Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.