Where’s My Lifeguard?
So, yeah. Some of you have noticed that I’m not my usual sparkling self. I’m having tremendous shakeups in my personal life. This is difficult, so bear with me.
I am saddened to report that I am separated from my spouse. This happened in May for a variety of reasons. Since then I have been trying to keep everything under wraps. I am a pretty private person–stop laughing, really, I am. You’ll notice I use pseudonyms for everyone other than people who are already in the public eye here. I also don’t like to talk a lot about my personal problems, except inasmuch as they relate to writing. I figure it’s not so classy to spread private business around the Internets.
Lately I have been reaching the end of my rope. The strain of being a single mother, a full workload, and dealing with feelings of pain, anger, abandonment, loneliness, inadequacy, flashes of joy–you name it, I’ve felt it in the last five months. I’ve tried the coping mechanisms and tried to do All The Right Things. It just…hasn’t helped. I am adrift.
Last night was particularly bad. I finally ended up calling the erstwhile spouse. After five months apart, I think we’ve both had time to think things over. I cannot live with him again, but I have asked for him to come back to this area and help me care for the children. I do have other help, but there’s only so much friends can do. And to be perfectly honest, this is his problem too. It seems reasonable to me that now that we’ve gone through the initial and most difficult period of breaking up, that we can approach childcare as a team. Thankfully, he agrees and the split is not contentious in any way. Neither of us are contentious people, at least not with each other over this issue. I have that much to be grateful for: this is entirely amicable, even if stressful.
Many of you have privately contacted me to ask what’s wrong, and to offer support. Thank you for that. I am juggling many balls right now and can’t afford to drop any or add more. So if I don’t quite respond right away, please understand that it’s not because I’m ignoring you. It’s because I’m busy trying to put out some fires.
So, yeah, that’s it. Awkward. I will be back to Friday writing posts and the regular hullabaloo tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who’s offered support lately–I am more grateful than I can say.
The sooner I get back to feeling okay, the better. It’s about damn time.
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Tags: about me, not worth chewing through the leather straps, questions from the edge
October 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Lili, you are a class act, and I think the world of you. I grew up with divorced parents and it wasnt pretty (entertaining in a Jerry Springer way though) and I see how you put your childrens wellbeing first and having a stable home. I hope this works out for everyone. *hugs*
October 1st, 2009 at 12:37 pm
I’m not there, and apart from our mutual love of tea and scones, you don’t really know me. But know that I’m sending good karma thoughts and prayers toward you and your family. It’s not always easy to survive such upheaval. You’re doing an amazing job taking care of everyone. Just don’t forget to take care of you. You are hereby ordered to go make these: http://pinchmysalt.com/2008/11/16/buttermilk-cranberry-scones-recipe/
And have a lovely cuppa.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You are an amazing smart funny wonderful awesome strong person, even when adrift. I hope things smooth over, the fires get put out, and you’re feeling okay again soon.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Bless you. I hope everything settles into livability real soon.
October 1st, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Sending good wishes from afar – I hope things get back on track for you soon.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Lili, OMG, there are no words. Just know that I’m sending you good karma and happy thoughts and mental chocolate and all things good and encouraging the way you once did for me when I had a mini-breakdown last year. Just remember that you are Awesome…and I’m not just sayin’ that.
*hugs*
October 1st, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Happy thoughts, well wishes, kindness, peace, and a steaming hot hunk of amazing lifeguard help hereby summoned to your door. Not a magician but if the power of positive thinking can accomplish know that I am thinking some your way right now. Your books & journal make me think, laugh, and liven up my days. I wish it right back at you.
October 1st, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Sending you extra big hugs and lots of positive thoughts.
If emergency chocolate is needed, please let me know.
Just like the kitty poster says, “Hang in there”. *grin*
October 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Sorry that life has been a little craptacular. I know that I hated going through separation and divorce, and I didn’t have children, so I can only image what you are going through.
You are in my thoughts and I hope things get better for you, and, if not that, then just more manageable.
October 1st, 2009 at 4:55 pm
I’m so sorry things have been difficult for you. Please know that people you don’t even know are sending positive thoughts your way. Here’s hoping your life gets back on firmer ground very soon and that you find balance once more.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Good karma to you and your family. You’re an amazing lady, and I hope life settles down for you soon.
October 1st, 2009 at 5:25 pm
Oh, Lili, {{{{hugs}}}. That’s all I have to give you. I love your blog and your books. I’m so sorry your fairytail went sour. That your spouse is willing to work with you is a plus. All the best.
October 1st, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I’m so sorry for your pain. While I’ve been there before, I know it’s doubly tough with children. Wishing you a speedy journey back to topside. Take care and hope to meet you at C to C someday. Peace.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:44 am
Lili,
I commend you for sharing your problems with the world. Many have been where you are, so you are not alone (I’m not separated from my husband mind you, I just know what it’s like when you’re not getting along and it seems that you’re separated forever, it seems. I wish you both the best, however it ends). It shows how strong you are to ask for help even when you don’t want to. Happy to hear that the husband is going to help you with the children.
October 2nd, 2009 at 12:53 am
I have long wanted to tell you of my admiration of your work. Your characters, all of them, are very real. You capture their pain, flaws, brokenness with unflinching honesty. But also with wonderful, gritty humor – and gentleness. The paths they find to self-acceptance, strength, healing and even… to love, show great understanding of the courage required to take the risks, and the effort needed to do the work, in order to grow, and allow another, loved one close by to also grow.
You have a rare gift for this. I have, with great joy and satisfaction, just lost myself in Jill Kismet’s world again.
I am a family doctor, have read SF/F for over 45 years, and raised 3 daughters. No one does this work better than you, and few do it as well. In my not-so-humble opinion.
Please, know always that your writing is a gift to me, and I am sure to a great many others. My life is enriched by it.
I am certain, you will find your balance again, for it is clear: you are on the path of mastery, and of love.
October 2nd, 2009 at 4:40 am
Lili,
I love how honest and sincere you are even when the crap hits the fan. Keep on trucking, you’re in my thoughts and my prayers…days will get brighters. They’re not all dark and doomy.
October 2nd, 2009 at 7:46 am
Take very good care of yourself. I hope things get easier soon.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:04 am
I have noted something was not quite right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Thank you for trusting us enough to share with us.
My thoughts are with you as you sort out this difficult situation. Life is not easy, it seems, but how you deal with it is what makes it tolerable.
I wish you peace and understanding as you work through this difficult time, and I want to thank you for sharing your wonderful talent with all of us as well as your insights into your writing.
October 2nd, 2009 at 9:32 am
take a deep breath…you will see that it is all that you will need to get through each day….your inner “lifeguard” will amaze and astound you, trust me on this…everything is going to get better
((((((((((hugs))))))))))
October 2nd, 2009 at 11:12 am
I know you’ve heard it before…but it WILL get better. Time and Patience are key to this particular type of emotional recovery…sending positive energy your way…
BTW, I am a relatively NEW fan of yours…I read the short story Brother’s Keeper and I got curious about your other stuff, so I checked out your website and fell in LOVE! I read the free Selene serial on the site and I now own the Dante Valentine series and I am currently working my way through the Jill Kismet series! You got talent lady! I am utterly and completely hooked! (Sorry, had to have my geek moment)
Stay strong!
October 2nd, 2009 at 1:09 pm
I recently separated from my husband also and I have been raising my 2 yr old daughter by myself as well. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. Alot of the time it feels like you’re trapped in quicksand. But you will get through this. You are a strong woman!
What I find that helps is a day of battery recharging. For me it is a pedicure. You just need to get out of the house, by yourself, and recharge your battery.
I know you don’t know me, but if you ever need someone to talk to who is a completely unbias person. I will be here for you.
Good luck!
October 2nd, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Good, positive, and supportive thoughts to you. You’ve brought so much joy to all of us, your readers. Thank you for that. Hope you’re able to get through this rough patch soon.
October 3rd, 2009 at 7:18 am
*hugs*
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:58 pm
Well, I never would have expected that to happen, but sometimes the unexpected has a way of…being unexpected. I hope that for your own sake (and ours, too!) that you’ll be able to pull through and be a trooper! So many bad things have happened to the people I know and love both last year and this year that I know that as I go on they will only get worse!
I think that you’re an awesome writer, and I particularly love your Jill Kismet series. Currently, I am unable to wait for the arrival of ‘Flesh Circus’ (at least that’s what I think it’s called) and I’m sure that it will be worth the wait.
I wish you all the best in the world!
October 4th, 2009 at 5:56 pm
a thousand hugs, much love, all the sympathy you can bear, and warm fuzzies out the wazoo.
oh and
holy guacamole. i’ve never gone through something like that and even if i had, i doubt i could ever face the unfeeling mechnical humming and geometrical blankness of a computer screena nd actually put it down in words to share with anyone who googles your name.
you go girl!
that is incredible, and inexpressably brave.
again, hugs
October 4th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Best wishes that your life gets back on track for your whole family.
October 5th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Been without internet (and phone) all weekend (shakes fist at Bell Canada), so only now catching up on things. So sorry you are going through all of this! Mega-big (((HUGS))) to you!
Been pretty much on both sides of this (child of divorce and also a divorcee (no kids tho)) it should like you are dealing with this rationally. I know it may not feel like it some days, but you do seem to be going about it right, especially in terms of the kids and making sure they are cared for by both parents – even if parents are apart.
You are going through some hard times now, and they will get better. There will be ups and downs, but know that you are doing the best thing you can do for you and for your family. Chin up! You have got lots of support out there – though the hardest thing is always to ask for it.
Best wishes for you all.
October 5th, 2009 at 12:23 pm
There seems to be a lot of sour notes in the wind lately. The most recent one around me was one of my friend’s wedding was called off by the fiance calling my friend’s father the day before the wedding. While I have never been in either situation (woo hoo being perpetually single?), I have had my share of crushing losses, so I empathize and my heart goes out to you.