Getting Better
Some days it’s an uphill battle. But each day is a little bit better than the one before. I feel like I’m lying spread out on some very thin ice. I am no longer drowning, but the rescue attempt is not underway yet. If I stay too long I’ll freeze, but I can’t move just yet because the ice might crack.
This is a delicate stage of healing, where you start feeling a little better so you think, “I can handle this…maybe I don’t need help.” Wrong. It’s like when I was a massage therapist–I saw this over and over again. A few treatments, the body starts feeling better…and all of a sudden the person in the body thinks they can weekend-warrior it. The delicate healing stretches and tears, and the body takes its revenge.
So I’m feeling everything out. Delicately, not putting any weight on anything. I’m supposed to be using this mantra:
I can’t change the past. The future isn’t here yet. All I can do is make good choices today.
Sometimes it even helps.
I’m at that stage where even the love scenes in Disney movies are painful. I can’t listen to love songs, I can barely even listen to breakup songs that are supposed to make me feel better. On the other hand, I’ve got a lot of instrumental music around, and that’s easy to write to. And the words are still coming. I’m still swinging blindly and the Muse is still serving balls.
It will have to be enough.
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Tags: not worth chewing through the leather straps, slight pause for station identification
October 12th, 2009 at 11:03 am
Hi Lilith
I wish I could say the pain of a marriage ending goes away, but it doesn’t. It does lessen though. Over time the pain becomes a twinge when a memory surfaces. I focused on my children to get through it.
Love & Best Wishes,
RKCharron
xxoo
October 12th, 2009 at 11:06 am
One foot in front of the other, with the knowledge that it won’t always feel this way. That’s all you can do. If you cry, you will be able to stop crying. If you stuff it all down with chocolate, that’s okay too. Repeating, it will not always hurt so much. You’ve been through pain before that isn’t as acute now, right? Hold onto that.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Um, on a totally unrelated topic, you got name-checked at the Irish con I was at this weekend, as someone with a terrific web presence.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:58 am
Been going through something similar recently. It’s horrible and painful, but taken one day at a time, it’s survivable, so far. Take care of yourself and treat yourself well. Lot of good wishes from this quarter.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Life gives you bitter moments so you can more appreciate the sweet ones… sometimes they are hard to see, but once you can recognize them you’ll find you days become a little bit brighter.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
on the topic of music, i recently discovered an absolutely beautiful band called Rodrigo y Gabriela that is singularly and incredibly only acoustic guitars and plays a type of half metal (but much mellower than metal, more rock), half latin music.
oh, and something that should be included in anger therapy is Tool’s “Swamp Song,” which is pure metal and pure rage
October 12th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
just trying to help in my way without reiterating something you’ve no doubt heard a thousand times by now
October 12th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
I’m happy to hear that you’re sort of making progress every now and then. Having something to focus on is also a great idea. I know what you mean about watching certain movies, when my dad died in May I was unable to watch movies with killing or anything dark. Now that it has been some months I’m doing a little better, though I know that I have a long way to go. Things are going to get better, continue to hang in there Lilith.