A Few Words On Narcissism
Ninety degrees even in the shade. The kind of weather that makes even breathing a chore for a pale mushroom PNW girl like me. If not for the air-conditioning unit I bought–was it last summer? Or so?–I would so be laying under a sprinkler right now and cursing the weather gods.
The blogging has been falling off my radar lately, mostly because of Personal Stuff. My method of coping is to work like hell. Unfortunately, when I get the decks clear and I’ve worked my way through the pile of OMG DEAL NOW I have on my virtual desk…then my body says, “Remember you told us as soon as you were done with X we’d get some time? OK, you’re done with X. HERE I AM.” Mmmh, fun.
Before I go any further, I should issue a few disclaimers. I am not a mental health professional, nor do I play one on TV. I offer the following out of my experience, YMMV, and I am not diagnosing or pointing fingers. I just want to say this and get it out there.
I’m seeing a couple of my acquaintances, online and otherwise, deal with malignant narcissists. I’m hearing a lot of, “I thought I was prepared, but I feel stupid now because they insinuated themselves into my life…”
I want to say this right now. Malignant narcissists etc., or even borderline malignant narcissists, have made a study of getting what they want from people. They work on that like the rest of us work on our social skills, careers, and hobbies put together. Of course they’re good at it–they practice their whole lives. Falling prey to someone like that isn’t something to be ashamed of or to feel unreasonably stupid over. They practice until they get good, and are constantly refining their crafts the way cheetahs have constantly refined short-burst running.
I am betting, my friend, that neither of us could outrun a cheetah (without some help from an internal combustion engine or something.) That doesn’t make us stupid. It means we’ve spent our energy on other things.
I don’t think a lot of people who have this sort of thing enter their lives realize that they’ve been conned by masters. Lots of victims or people whose lives intersect briefly with malignant narcissists feel like they should have seen it, known how to react, done something else. What they don’t realize is that they were up against someone who had practiced and practiced and practiced, in one way or another, every single day FOR YEARS. When you’re a normal person, you don’t feel so bad about being beaten by an Olympic athlete, do you? Of course not. They’ve practiced for years to get where they are.
Malignant narcissists have practiced every single ever-loving day. I’ve seen them hone their skills to get what they want, up close. I’ve witnessed it. If all that energy was put toward another activity, like curing cancer or picking up litter, the world would be a much better place.
But that doesn’t happen. We’re stuck with what we’ve got here. Don’t make that other person’s victory complete by bemoaning how stupid you think you were and letting them win a battle going on inside your own skull. Don’t give them that real estate. They don’t deserve it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, learn from it, and go on.
It is the best revenge.
That is all.
Related posts:
Tags: pennyworth advice, shooting from the hip, what we know is true
July 20th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
I’d say that your advice is spot on, with the possible addition that looking good is the best revenge, which is probably a close corollary to what you have said.
I read the wikipedia entry, and I have to say that I didn’t find it terribly enlightening, but knowing what malignant means and knowing what a narcissist is, I can’t help thinking that malignant narcissist is a fancier, more technical phrase for, well, jerk. Or perhaps insidious jerk.
An oversimplification, perhaps, but what I am really getting at is that you don’t have to fall prey to someone quite as treacherous as a malignant narcissist to be left feeling blindsided or unprepared. Your advice applies to dealing with anyone who makes a practiced effort to appear to be something other than what he or she seems.
People sneak up on you. It’s okay. Get up. Get out. Put yourself back together, better than ever, and move onward and upward.
Nicely put.
July 21st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I’d never heard of malignant narcissism until the latest Rush album came out (Snakes & Arrows) last year. It’s an instrumental, but from reading your post and the Wikipedia entry (that mentions Rush – best band in the world!!) the song sounds like it fits. A good name for people who not only don’t care about your boundaries, but who go out of their way to breach them. Your advice to not play their game sounds good.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I’ve found the best revenge is to completely wipe them out of your life. Don’t talk to them and don’t talk about them with other people. Completely ignore them. Pretend ass if they don’t exist.
Just like trying to break a child of bad behaviour, the narcissist is going to get loud, noisy and irritating for a while trying to provoke you. Don’t give in. Eventually s/he will go away.