On Forgiveness
Forgiveness might be a virtue. It might not.
On my last post, Reader FD commented:
I loathe the ‘to be a truly actualized person you have to forgive and forget’ message. Yeah, understanding helps and knowing ‘they’ had triggers and damages of their own, gives valuable distance and perspective, but that’s very distinct from the victim mentality of forgiving, and forgetting. I mean, come on, if you truly forgive, you are saying there are no completely unacceptable behaviours, and if you truly forget, you’d put yourself in the position of potential damage again. I prefer accept and assimilate. Accept it occurred and any damage caused, and assimilate it and use it as a learning curve and to become a stronger person.
I consider it one of the more damaging hangovers from Christian martyrdom – the pie in the sky by and by will make up for starving to death here and now, used as justification of earthly harms – because they will make you a ‘better person’. Feh.
I may just have to shamelessly steal “accept and assimilate”. I’ve been feeling guilty for a long time because some part of me says, “Forgive? WTF? Have you forgotten what ___ did? That was Not Okay, and don’t you dare say it was.”
I know someone will probably say that you’re not forgiving the other person, you’re making it impossible to move on yourself. And that you trap yourself by not forgiving, etc. I don’t quite think that’s true. Dealing with the damage a toxic person did is a fact. It’s there and you have to deal, and this martyrdom brand of forgiveness essentially victimizes one again after the initial fact. Why the hell, as Nancy Price wrote, would I shove beans up my nose TWICE?
A lot of my characters have trauma, and are thrown into traumatizing situations. I am fascinated by the deconstruction of people under severe stress, and I pretty much write these things in part to make peace with my own experiences of severe stress. As a coping mechanism, it works pretty well if I’m conscious of it. It beats binge eating, anger-management problems, and inappropriate behavior hands-down. Should I give this up for a “forgiveness” that essentially says I have no right to be angry, so I have to push that anger inside where it eats me?
Yeah, yeah, Christians are supposed to forgive. But I’m not Christian, and I see precious little healthy forgiveness of the type Christ was probably talking about among his purported followers today. The strain of xenophobia, fanaticism, and hatred drowns it out, and forgiveness becomes a word for tear-streaked sham artists to rope in the faithful for one more fleecing.
Screw that.
There are some things, some terrible things, that I will not forgive. I don’t say can’t forgive–I say will not. I refuse to excuse some things. Some things are inexcusable and they deserve to be treated as such. Where that line is drawn is a very personal thing, and I’m working on making my line solid (but flexible, always flexible) and not feeling guilty.
Because, you see, the guilt is part of the trap. You’re expected to forgive if you were raised with abuse, or if you had a boyfriend or husband quick with his fists. The repentance phase is part of the process of violating your boundaries. There’s a present and tears and promises never to do it again. And if you don’t forgive there’s more pleading and presents and “But I LOVE you!” despite the fact that it’s all control, and real love would never act that way.
Better to bide your time, escape when you can, get the help you need to make the escape stick (which is by no means a certain thing since the first thing abusers do is grab the purse strings, by hook or by crook), accept that it was terrible, assimilate…and find some peace within yourself, because you’re not going to find it outside.
Sometimes the people who like to play the abuse game think they own their victims, and try to hunt them down. You don’t “forgive” a rabid dog or a rattlesnake. You take steps to stay out of its way, to deal with it properly if you come across it, and to keep yourself safe. (Which is, incidentally, why I give every woman I know a copy of The Gift of Fear, as long as I can afford to buy them. If I can’t afford to buy them I give them my own and make them promise to read it.)
If I was a better person, maybe I’d see the point of the forgiveness a lot of people talk about. But as I get older, the more wanting to be someone else tires me out in a way I don’t have time for, and the more I’m just willing to deal and build a decent person out of what I have.
I’m thirty-three this year. Accept and assimilate. Deal and build. Simple things, and it’s taken me a while to get here. There’s work to be done and books to be written, I don’t have time for bullshit anymore–if I ever did. Sometimes I think that’s what “growing up” is–finding out it’s okay to winnow out the bullshit and just keep going.
Over and out.
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Tags: childhood trauma, not worth chewing through the leather straps, pennyworth advice, questions from the edge, what we know is true
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
Any time someone expects you to repeat a folly, of any sort, by claiming “It’s the Christian thing to do,” let them know that you’re a fan of Proverbs 26:11. Not only does it cement that you probably know more of the Bible than they do, but listening while they’re trying to track it down for the “EWWWWWW!” is priceless. (What’s terrifying is that I received a Bible for my Confirmation back in 1983, and that passage was illustrated. We Catholics are a very sick people.)
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
“Forgive and forget” is right up there with “turn the other cheek—so that one can get smacked, too.” I don’t have to be a martyr to be the better person.
I won’t forgive the unforgivable. I have, however, silently given thanks for people who’ve done me wrong in the past because they taught me to recognize their ilk and avoid them when I see them coming my way.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
I’ve been wrestling with this myself. I feel like I ought to be able to forgive because I’m told it’s a way to let go of anger and move on, but I can’t, because forgiveness really seems like in some way saying “that’s okay” when it really, really isn’t.
I’m still angry and I still feel sick when I think about it. I think if I could let go of the anger and say “you’re not worth upsetting myself over,” THAT would be good … basically releasing that person’s ability to hurt you,, their power and control over you. But letting go and forgiving seem like two completely different things to me.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:28 am
“Yeah, yeah, Christians are supposed to forgive. But I’m not Christian, and I see precious little healthy forgiveness of the type Christ was probably talking about among his purported followers today. The strain of xenophobia, fanaticism, and hatred drowns it out, and forgiveness becomes a word for tear-streaked sham artists to rope in the faithful for one more fleecing.”
I AM a Christian and think you’re unfortunately right. I’m reading a great book now called “Respectable Sin” that confronts this, how Christians point at the Ebils of Society while ignoring their own pride, envy, lust. . . they get swept under the rug as though somehow that’s not as “bad” as murder or adultery.
April 23rd, 2009 at 11:37 am
I think accept and assimilate is an evolved version of forgive and forget. When it comes to a horrible wrongs like abuse, as a Catholic with a strong Buddhist tendencies, I equate forgiveness with letting go and moving on. (I’ve been told I’m a crappy Catholic, but I’m okay with that.)
I don’t dwell on the act, the wrong done to me by person x. Wastes precious mental energy I would rather spend somewhere else. Don’t want to give anyone that kind of power over me.
Now if it happened to my kids, I would become homicidal and probably need to be locked up. I’d forgive myself and ask for forgiveness once I was behind bars.
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
I used to struggle with the whole forgiveness issue, until I had a big argument with a woman who was appalled that I wouldn’t forgive my step grandfather for abusing me. When I finally asked her, who are you waiting to forgive you? She shut right up. The issue for her wasn’t my forgiveness of him, it was someone else’s forgiving her.
If my step grand father had ever shown the least amount of changing, forgiveness may have occurred but he went to his grave the exact same abusive bastard he had always been. This was long after I had accepted and assimilated and grown up.
I am not a Christian either, nor religious of any ilk. I have often been confounded by the horrible behaviour of religious people, as long as they are church-going – anything goes. I don’t think so.
Forgive yourself for staying in abusive situations, take care of yourself first (honest it’s okay). Forgive yourself the acting out that you may have done before you got aware. Take a breath, relax. Be accountable for who you are today and move forward.
Besides if I had forgiven and forgotten my step grandfather, no one would have ever confronted him and how many more grandkids (great grandkids) would he have gotten to?
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Thanks for posting this. This really resonates with me.
I have confused a lot of people talking about this sort of concept and using the word “forgiveness” when what I really meant was more like letting go of anger.
I think that when people hurt you badly and repeatedly, it’s very tempting to hold onto that anger and hate, even when it’s healthier (for yourself) to eventually put it down and to move past it. Letting go of that anger has nothing to do with the other person but everything to do with self preservation.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts out loud. Your honesty gives me courage.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Once upon a time I was feeling a lot of guilt because I couldn’t forgive my female parent. For some inexplicable reason she agreed to come to a joint therapy session with my therapist. Afterward, my therapist and I talked about how it had gone. After I pointed out the various ongoing manipulative behaviors and lack of taking ownership for any damn thing ever, my therapist agreed and said, “That woman is completely toxic and you should not feel the need to have her in your life.”
I knew that. But it was awfully validating/freeing to get a second opinion.
April 24th, 2009 at 7:49 am
Forgive and Forget was forceed down my thorat as a child…to survive my past as a kid I adjusted that to forgive but don’t forget…aka watch out and avoid the “next time” as much as possible…acknowledge it was wrong and don’t let them con you into thinking it was ok or justifiable… understand it’s thier insanity and not yours. I shut myself down to protect.
Spent my twenties gradually forgiving myself for not “loving” those who had abused me and distancing myself from anyone in my family who had caused me harm. Eventually I found the courage to be mad again, to feel anything again.
I was lucky. I got out and stayed out. Gained the air to breathe again and feel some balance. Found the strength somehow. Now, in the midst of my 30s, for the first time in my life, I feel human. I’m happy a lot and thankful even when I’m simply content.
But when I hear some f&*% telling someone they should find it within themselves to forgive someone because that person says they feel bad about it, I want to cram thier face in a toilet and flush it. And I welcome that anger.
It means I’m working normally.
So stay strong and screw forgive and forget. Your books are fantastic and reading your journal here has helped me understand why…you are an awesome person.
/H
April 24th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I don’t buy into the idea of forgive and forget either. It’s not the same experience as abuse, but someone very close to me was murdered. I have no compulsion to forgive the killers, and I certainly don’t feel guilty for that. A friend, yes a Christian, suggested to me that I should forgive them, and honestly, that just leaves me perplexed. They did nothing to earn or be worthy of forgiveness, why would I grant them it? I don’t believe this is an expectation that God has for me, and it’s not one I have for myself.
The hatred I have for these killers does not consume me, and it does not rule my life. But it does exist, and I’m okay with that. I have accepted and assimilated it. Negative experiences happen in this life, and it is up to each individual to deal with them, and rise above them.
Rising above these events does not equate to forgiving and forgetting the person(s) who inflicted pain upon you and/or your loved ones. I believe it equates to learning what you can from the experience, if there is something to be learned, strengthening your character from what you have been through, and then pursuing your life in a positive way.
April 24th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
“I know someone will probably say that you’re not forgiving the other person, you’re making it impossible to move on yourself. And that you trap yourself by not forgiving, etc.”
I think moving on and freeing yourself has more to with making the person/damage they’ve done to you meaningless to you–or if not meaningless, at least unable to hurt you anymore–than giving them forgiveness they don’t deserve.
April 24th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
*nod* I will never forgive my sire unless he somehow shows that he acknowledges his screw-ups (not so immense as some, but hardly “okay” either) and works to make himself a better person.
I mourn the daddy I thought I had, when I was little. But… I never had a real daddy. If I tried to “forgive,” let alone “forget,” that would open me to getting my mind wrapped ’round a telegraph pole again. He did that to me once. NEVER again. My anger, my fury, protects me from his snake-oil lies. (The man could sell snow to Eskimos and sand to camels; giving him the benefit of the doubt is like giving a cobra the benefit of the doubt when it’s standing there with its mouth hanging open. Far safer to, if my sire said the sky was blue, look out the window and verify it independently.)
April 27th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Accept and assimilate is the truth! In addition, I’ve always lived by this mantra – “That person destroyed part of my life because I had no control and I will not let that person destroy the rest of my life since I have control over the now and forever more.”
May 3rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Thank you all for sharing your truths. As Lili said, “There are some things I will NOT forgive/forget.” I too believe in trying to let it go, but never, ever forgiving or forgetting. You must allow yourself the freedom and the RIGHT to let any guilt go and hold on to yourself as tightly as possible acknowledging that whatever happened to you did and it forged you into the person you are now (we usually turn out to be pretty darn good people). Appropriate boundaries in our daily lives are a MUST to keep that kernel of “you” sacrosanct. The old saw of — they couldn’t help it, it was the way they were raised is f*%&%(* BS! My mother was literally tortured by first her grandmother and then her father (there are no other words to describe the horror she lived through growing up), and she never, ever abused my brother or I. Through the years, she has shared some things with me; thankfully, she shared only a small portion, as I was traumatized just by listening to her. I am amazed, proud, and thankful to have had her as my mother and friend. Even at almost 66, she still wrestles with the “demons” from her past. In spite of her past, she is a loving, warm, giving human being — she’s not perfect, as she says (I think she’s almost Mary Poppins perfect) but she is who she is because of everything. I believe my mother would also agree with Susan regarding the control issue. She has control over the now and chooses to live as positively as possible, but also warily because there is evil in the world just as there is good.