Comments on: Telling The Truth Is Dangerous

By: Marie

Marie — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 03:54:42 +0000

Thank you, Lili. I was absolutly breathless when I saw this post and spent the next 20 minutes crying my heart and eyes out.
At months end, it is tentativly planned for me to leave. Scared, confused and having second thoughts. I know you had previously written that you got out and were gloriously happy when you did.
I know this is not what this blog is for- I was trying to find an email address in which to contact you and in finding none, figured I’d take my chances here.
My move will not be far- I am moving with two others, but too far from my current job, which I will most likely have to quit (my hours were reduced anyway). My worry is trying to find another job in the new area. At 25, I know this move is long overdue. I’ve started looking and know it will be a tough one. I am almost tempted to stay where I am, but know I will hate myself if I don’t move.
Might you have any advice for me? Or know of any organizations that be able to assist me in finding a new job? Or anything at all??
Again, thank you. I’m sorry for bothering you about this, but I thought you might be able to point me in the right direction.

By: Pastorbear

Pastorbear — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:54:51 +0000

Lilith, I love it when you write this stuff, it is so honest and so good and so healing. I grew up with a mentally ill, brain damaged father who was extremely abusive. We had NO visitors, so I had no idea how to have a visitor when I got my own home. I still freak out inside when someone comes to visit, and i’m 51 and a psychotherapist!

keep telling it. Keeps holding on…

By: Bridget

Bridget — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:57:28 +0000

Thank you Lilith. I am ever-grateful for the line you throw out there to us.

By: Jess

Jess — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:09:20 +0000

I think I’m going to get my hair cut.

By: Emma

Emma — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:33:03 +0000

Thank you…I’m not quite sure how to put in to words how much this means, for someone else to understand.

I was well protected growing up, well loved my mother and grandmother; they say that when abuse happens is usually from someone you know. Mine was my uncle, it wasn’t awful and it was only once, but it still haunts me 20 years later. Even to this day I fight the emotional scars…but I will not let it rule my life, or control who I am.

Once again; thank you Lili. You rock!

By: T.S.

T.S. — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 06:51:17 +0000

Thank you for saying this. I grew up with a verbally abusive father until I was 16 (the first time I cut him out of my life) and it was not an easy thing to deal with – especially because he never directed at my sisters, just me. And it was ALWAYS the “I deserve it” defense. “You know, we’re never tense until Friday when we know you’re coming over for the weekend.”

After I stopped talking to him for a while he seemed to get over some of his anger and we started talking again, and for a long time I never said anything because the understanding was that if I brought it up, I was dredging up old issues, or causing drama. So I had to pretend to have a good relationship with a man who, at the worst of times, made me ill to be around and at the best of times just made me feel uncomfortable and then guilty for feeling uncomfortable.

It wasn’t until recently that I finally tried to sit down with him and say “I still have a lot of trust issues with you because of the way you were when I was younger.” I wanted to talk to him because I thought, “hell, if I’m going to try to have a relationship with him, I need to be honest and get the issues out on the table so we can work on them.” His response? “Suck it up.” Yeeeeeeeah. Horrible man!

He didn’t like that I was bringing something up that made him feel uncomfortable or like a bad person. “I’m not gonna feel bad about that for the rest of my life.” I basically told him that if he couldn’t at least try to talk about it with me, we wouldn’t have a relationship because I didn’t want to be around a man who couldn’t even admit that what he did to his own son was abuse. He chose the lie. I chose the truth.

I’m happy with my decision to stop talking to him. My shoulders feel a lot lighter without him in my life and the holidays were certainly much more enjoyable. And now—I don’t feel guilty for thinking my father is a bad man. Because he gave me all the proof I needed to set the truth free.

Thanks for telling the truth, Lili! It really is important to others who are out there and are still afraid to tell the truth.

By: martianmooncrab

martianmooncrab — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 00:38:14 +0000

well said Lili, well said.

By: gaylin

gaylin — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 23:59:45 +0000

I grew up in a household of great fun and great dysfunction, alcoholism, sexual abuse, my brother dying of leukemia and on and on.
I said great fun first because I realize that I was very very lucky that amongst all the crap we still had laughter and fun.
I am also very lucky because my family grew better with time, a few confrontations and for me, a heck of a lot of counseling.
I survived childhood through books. Lots and lots of books, a 1st year university reading ability in Grade 5.
I still use books to ease my days and love your writing Lilith.
Keep writing, keep reading, keep talking. It only gets better if you work at it.
I have done my best as an adult to never use any of my childhood crap as an excuse, a crutch or as an apology for anything I have done. I couldn’t control what happened to me in childhood but I have to own my behaviour now – good or bad.
Does it still affect me, at times. Does it control me, nope.

By: Hope

Hope — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 20:16:09 +0000

I can’t believe the amount of lies we are “required” to tell each day. My husband came from such a family. It affects our relationship of 39 years every day. Anyone that survives is lucky. Anyone who survives without scars that affect daily life is a miracle.