Just…Eff It
Long, mostly-sleepless night. Since I’ve started the exercise regimen, I haven’t had too many of those, even with all the Other Stuff going on.
I finished reading DeBartolo’s God-Shaped Hole, Kidd’s The Secret Life of Bees, and am about to start reading erotica. (For RESEARCH. Jeez.) I will probably mini-review those and Chelsea Cain’s newest tomorrow, but today I am so tired.
I got up late and didn’t have the house to myself for an hour. I have quickly grown to depend on that time, because it’s the only space during the day when I don’t have kids poking at me just to see what I’m doing. I barely managed to get in my treadmill time, and no shovelgloving at all, waah. But tomorrow I don’t have any treadmill time, I can still get up early (if I sleep tonight) and do my shovelgloving, thereby making sure I have four days of exercise and one of rest this week for BOTH forms of exercise.
This is what’s taking up all my bandwidth today: little questions of scheduling. Tiny annoying things about Everyday Life. I think I probably shouldn’t have been reading a book on the subject of absent/dead/found mothers and abusive fathers while I was already tired and upset; it probably had something to do with it.
Plus, the book is heating up. Four or five scenes away from the end, and I’m reaching that jittery stage where there’s nothing going on behind my eyes but the bloody book.
Argh. I’m going to go wash the sweat off and start obsessing over lunch. Then I’m going to turn off the wireless and sink into the book. If I can distract myself with the words it will make the day go faster and I will get to bedtime sooner.
Slight aside: has anyone else reached a point after over a month of steady working out where they up their intensity (I’ve been upping the intensity of the workouts every two weeks, FWIW) and suddenly had a sweat-drenched detox experience near the end of a particularly hard session? Anyone? Bueller?
It’s a funny thing. I saw over and over in massage school and in my practice, how the body holds memories. The remodeling of the body with exercise is naturally going to work with that sort of thing. I am detoxing, I think, not only on a physical level but also on an emotional level. One cannot separate the two. And the facing of some childhood demons while the body is getting stronger and more flexible…well, it’s not a comfortable process, but at least I have some idea of what’s happening and I’m not completely at sea with it.
The heavy bits of me–the fat–wasn’t just my feelings about food. It was also a protective cushion between me and the world. Getting strong enough to take on the world without that cushion is a scarymaking process.
Argh again. Eff it. I’m just going to write today. Screw everything else. At least on the page, I know where I stand.
Until the Muse jags another left turn on me, that is…
Over and out.
September 30th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Yes, I know exactly what you’re talking about as far as detoxing, and also as far as weight loss. I’ve lost 40 lbs (am currently stuck) with a ways to go. And I desperately, desperately want cookie dough this week. Really really really badly want it.
You’re post hit a chord.
Thanks.
What research are you doing with erotica?
September 30th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Weight loss is scary. Sounds stupid, especially to men, but suddenly people of both sexes notice you. Men will talk to you that never did before (at my work), that type of thing. I eat when bored, don’t know what to do, scared and most importantly need comfort.
Have read a bunch of erotica and if including sex scenes in a book one would need to read them. (I like that-it’s research) Having read your type of book that has some sex in it I have seen some that were unrealistic.
Hope to see your reading results soon with Jill.
I miss Dante & Japhrimel to much I can’t hardly stand it.
Thanks so much for your worlds!
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
Exercising is a tough thing to keep up with. I am a man and perhaps won’t see it the same way as the female of the species but believe me its tough for us to. There is an expecation in the world for men who go to the gym to be…well Captain Americaish. I could go to the gym for 5 days a week 52 weeks a year and never look like that. It took me nearly all of my 20’s to realize this. Now I just go when I can, I ride, I run, I paractice Aikido. I just want to stay active.
Oh and if you’re craving the cooking dough…just do it. The more you hold off the urge the more it’ll eat at you and you’ll end up eating an entire tube of the stuff instead of just a few bites. I keep a bag of chocolate chips in the house for just such an occasion!
Keep up the exercise though it’ll rock your world when you’re 70!
Ms. Saintcrow keep up the writing it’s some great fun easy reading that as been ending my day nicely and a big relief to endless hours of homework (35 and still in school….now that’s just sad.)