GoT Season One, or, Westeros Soap Opera

Bonfire So I watched Season One of Game of Thrones over the last couple days, trying to make my brain quit eating itself after I pushed hard to get revisions done early. I don’t watch a lot of telly and have somewhat lost the trick of it, but I managed.

My takeaway? In this universe there are pretty colors, the highborn have apparently been bred for poufy lips and high cheekbones, motherhood makes women into monsters or idiots, Jon Snow’s direwolf is way smarter than he is and this surprises absolutely nobody, Arya’s name should be Plucky Token Hero Girl Tomboy, Tyrion and Bronn are Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser (the series should be about them), every time Cat Stark says “_____ would never _____” it’s a sign that indeed they will, Danaerys Inbred McVioletEyes has a romance novel heroine’s magic vajayjay, it took a lot of work to stay clean in medieval settings, Sean Bean dies with better grace than most actors mimic living, and killing Syrio Forel just means, as Cleolinda said, this is why we can’t have nice things.

Also, I’ve dated a lot of guys who looked like GoT characters. It was like a gallery of past relationships. Except Jason Momoa. Never dated one of THOSE before. I’d be afraid of breaking him–the big ones are usually soft and cuddly and cry a lot. Oh, and Jaime Lannister, that one was more personality similarity than tall and blonde. “There are no men like me.” YES THERE ARE, THEY LIVE IN SWEDEN AND/OR DATE SOOKIE STACKHOUSE.

All in all, an enjoyable gory soap opera. I have to finish writing another book before I can watch Season Two, though I’ve seen YouTube clips. And don’t worry about spoilers, I know about the Red Wedding. I’m pretty prepared for everyone to die. I’m pretty much thinking it’ll be a regular Hamlet bloodbath in there, and I’m waiting with anticipation for Danaerys’s marriage to Gendry after Arya kills all the Lannisters (even Tyrion) and dies in the process. Oh, and I’m waiting for Shae to betray Tyrion and Bronn to kill her, or vice versa.

The scenes I enjoyed the most were Tyrion and Bronn. We really need a spinoff where they go and have adventures and end up ruling a country or something. Also, Littlefinger and Roz, that gave me chills. I’m quite fond of Varys–“[I serve] The Realm. Somebody has to.” Joffrey reminds me of a rabid Prince Humperdinck, and of course Jorah Mormont is in love with Inbred McVioletEyes and will never ever get to have her because he’s her FRIEND and besides, he was a slaver and oh yeah, he got a royal pardon by siccing assassins on her. Which, you know, someone else would have told someone sooner or later and someone would have sent assassins because that’s how this universe rolls, but still.

One full-frontal male nude shot (unless I missed a few?), lots of (of course) female nudity, Theon Greyjoy is telegraphing being a jerk so hard that his eventual betrayal of Robb will surprise nobody, lots of men transacting through the bodies of women.

I tried the books a long while ago, but found them pretty ponderous and circuitous. Which isn’t the books’ fault–it takes a lot for an epic fantasy to hold me. In any case, brain candy, and it managed to make my revision brain stop eating itself for a few hours, letting that sparking flywheel come down to rest. Good enough, and worth what I paid for it. Would have been worth it just for the costume design and wigs, and the horses. Pretty, pretty horses. And in case you think I’m too hard on Danaerys, I’ll admit eating a raw horse’s heart is pretty damn badass. Emilia Clarke makes her believable.

Even the magic vajayjay bits.

photo by: gmahender
  • Having never seen any of this your version still made me snort. I am on the fence about shows where I can’t pronounce half of the characters names. Still, it may be worth it to watch the first few an see what all the fuss is about.

  • martian moon crab

    Sean Bean dies with better grace than most actors mimic living

    when Sean dies, I usually stop watching the movie or program, LOTR was over for me once Boromir bit it.

  • RTBoyce

    Hah! Best GoT season 1 summary EVER! I am emailing a link to my husband, who enjoyed it but also has not seen season 2 yet,
    Myself, I randomly read one of the series books, which turned out not to be the first one, so it was darkly amusing to watch the TV show and see all the groundwork being laid for impending disaster and good plans coming to ruin.
    One thing I found unique about the book I read – magic is unnatural and horrific. Yes, it is powerful, but it is undeniably creepy and essentially an evil violation of the natural world. That’s something I haven’t seen in any of the fantasy I’ve read: magic=wrong.
    But I doubt I’ll read any more of the series. It is way too rape-y (yes, I realize that the societies depicted are in violent turmoil, but I don’t see a lot of scenes dwelling on disembowelment, torture, or battlefield agonies the way I see women being sexually attacked and humiliated).