Wiggle Your Big Toe

This morning I went on a banzai run with the Selkie; it was an estate’s worth of books that we packed and hauled down to the store. We work well together both as writers and as book haulers–we exchange information with glances, read each other’s minds, and just plain get stuff done really fast. It’s a joy to work with someone who anticipates and understands.

Several times I was surprised by just how much I could lift and carry–the running and the shovelgloving are working out. I suppose I should do the Obligatory Check In about that here, because I do talk about it a bit…and weren’t there resolution-like things at the beginning of the year?

I do believe there were.

I’m down by sixty pounds, 23 of which I’ve lost since the first of the year. I’m wearing clothes literally half the size I’m used to. I have about another 20-21 pounds to go before I ease up on the calorie restriction and start looking to fine-tune and maintain instead of running my body to shed weight. It is, in a word, bloody amazing. (That’s two words. Oh well.)

The biggest changes, however, have not been physical at all. They’ve been mental and emotional. The sheer scale and intensity of Life Changes and emotional change I’ve weathered, particularly in the last six months (yes, I marked it on the calendar, I am a nerd) have been staggering. I have reached a sort of detente in my relationship with food. I don’t eat to comfort myself nearly as much. My stress level has gone down from OMGPANICALLGOINGTODIERUNRUNRUN to pretty-calm-with-occasional-freakouts.

Which is a nice place to be.

Yes, I’ve had help. Cognitive therapy and a couple of books (this one and this one) have really helped. (However, this book and this book have been MORE helpful; the internal changes are the big deal.)

I’ve also had a lot of help and support from the people who really love me. That’s one thing about one’s life going down in flames: you learn pretty quickly who will be on the other end of the phone line at 4AM; you learn who will help and who will run away.

The upshot is, I feel good. I handed over my ID today (long story) and the clerk did a double take and said, “You’ve lost some weight!” She sounded at least as delighted as I felt. People who haven’t seen me in a while get a strange look, like they can’t quite place me, before comprehension hits. I won’t lie–it’s nice to see that. I get a little glow of accomplishment. I preen a little. Considering I’ve spent most of my life frantically trying to get people to look anywhere but my body, it’s a step up.

So, long way to go. But when I reached the day marked “six months” on my calendar, I looked around. And I felt like, “Okay, hard part’s over. Now let’s get these other piggies wiggling.”

Tomorrow I’ll return you to your regularly scheduled Lili. But today…I’m basking a little in the glow of accomplishment. I feel like I’ve Done Something. Clawed myself up out of a big dark hole, at least.

It’s a nice way to feel.

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